BonusTrackOFN
From Various
[edit] One False Note Audiobook, Bonus Track
<Gavel banging>
Narrator: Court records from 22 May, 1985, Vienna, Austria. Defendant: Grace Cahill. Crime: Stealing the diary of Nannerl Mozart from the Mozarthaus Museum. Witness: Sophie Brown, assistant curator of Mozarthous. Today's proceedings will be presided over by Judge Karl Herman
Judge Herman: Baliff, please bring in the defendant.
Grace Cahill: Get your hands off me.
Judge: Please state your full name.
Grace: Grace Madeleline Cahill.
Judge: And what are you doing in Austria, Frau Cahill?
Grace: I had a sudden craving for good German chocolate
<chuckles>
Judge: Frau Cahill, I hope you do not underestimate the gravity of this situation. You were caught stealing a national treasure. You could be in prison for up to 20 years. And I assure you, that we do not serve good German chocolate in our prisons. Why did you take the diary?
[1:07]
Grace: I didn't take it. I never left the building.
Judge: You were told explicitly that the diary couldn't leave the library, yet you were discovered in the bathroom with the diary and a knife.
Grace: I planned to return the diary to the library. I only wished to borrow it for a short while.
Judge: Borrow? Perhaps that is what you call it in America, a country full of horse rustlers and con-men.
Grace: If I had wanted to steal the diary, Your Honor, I wouldn't have loitered in the bathroom. I have a reputation to uphold.
Judge: I am well aware of your history, Frau Cahill. According to my sources, you have been apprehended by the authorities at no less than 8 world heritage sites, yet you have never been formally charged with any crimes. You must have some very powerful friends.
[2:05]
Grace: I can be quite charming when it suits me.
Judge: Why have you been banned from Cambodia?
Grace: It was a slight misunderstanding. The customs officer thought I was trying to smuggle an ancient statue out of the country.
Judge: Then I suppose it's just a coincidence that you donated 100 million dollars to the British Library when you were discovered breaking in at midnight? Was whatever you stole worth the new Grace Cahill Wing?
Grace: Absolutely!
Judge: Frau Cahill, I'm not sure whether you are a deranged thrill seeker, or some extreme kleptomaniac, but we do not tolerate such behavior here in Austria. I don't care if the Chancellor himself walks into this courtroom and demands your release. Let us proceed with the hearing. Bailiff, please, bring in the witness for the prosecution.
[3:02]
<door open, close>
Judge: Please, state your name and occupation.
Sophie Brown: Sophie Brown, assistant curator of Mozarthous.
Judge: Frau Brown, please tell the court what you saw the afternoon of 19 May.
Sophie: I saw that woman, trying to steal the diary of Nannerl Mozart
<gasps>
Sophie: It is an outrage. That diary is a priceless source of information about the Mozart family, and I...
Judge: Thank you, Frau Brown. We all understand the heinous nature of the crime. But I need you to slow down, and relay the facts as they occurred.
Sophie: Well, that woman came in and asked to see Nannerl's diary. I distrusted her from the moment I saw her. I am an excellent judge of character, Your Honor. And I can always tell when someone is up to something.
Judge: What was it that identified Frau Cahill as a troublemaker?
Sophie: Her outfit to begin with. She was wearing a strange leather jacket and the oddest goggles on her head. Hardly appropriate attire. Her boots made the most awful squeaking sound. And then when I brought her the diary, she had the audacity to ask me if she could consult it in private.
[4:09]
Judge: How did you respond?
Sophie: I said "absolutely not." I told her that anyone wishing to view such a valuable object could only do so under the strictest supervision. That woman gave me the most unpleasant look and then sat down with the diary. I stood right behind her, and kept vigilant watch.
Grace: Yes. Did you know you make a very strange noise when you breath? It sounds rather like a hippopotamus trying to whistle.
<chuckles>
Sophie: I was not going to let that diary out of my sight. But I was momentarily distracted by a figure out the window. I was worried that it was one of those Mozart fanatics who frequently try to conduct seances in the lobby. So I went to call Security. When I returned, that woman was gone, and the diary was nowhere to be seen.
[4:59]
Judge: What did you do then?
Sophie: I sent my staff to look for her. Ten minutes later, she was found in the bathroom with the diary and a knife. I feared for my life.
Grace: Oh, there was no need to worry. You're not nearly important enough to eliminate.
Judge: Frau Cahill? You are hardly helping your case. Now I insist that you tell me why you tried to steal the diary. What was next? Were you going to borrow the Mona Lisa?
Grace: No, I declined that gracious offer from the Louvre last year.
<chuckles>
Judge: Frau Cahill, this is not a joke.
Grace: I know it's not a joke. It's you, Your Honor, who doesn't quite understand what's at stake.
Judge: Frau Cahill, I don't care what kind of conspiracy theory you devise in the privacy of your own home, but I cannot allow you to wreak havoc in our country.
<faint helicopter sounds>
Judge: The evidence against you is overwhelming.
<helicopter sounds>
Judge: I hearby sentence you to a period of incarceration,
<loud helicopter sounds>
Judge: beginning immediately at the ..
[6:00]
<door opening>
Judge: What's going on?
<footsteps, commotion>
Judge: This is an outrage! You cannot just rush into my courtroom and interrupt the proceedings. Identify yourself!
William McIntyre: My name is William McIntrye. I am Grace Cahill's attorney.
Judge: You are too late, Herr McIntrye. The hearing is over, and I am about to sentence Frau Cahill to ..
William: A moment, Your Honor. I have some information that may affect your decision.
Judge: I have heard all that I wish to hear about Frau Cahill's antics
William: It's for your own good, Your Honor.
Judge: Well, then speak up!
William: I think you'd prefer to keep this information private, Your Honor.
Judge: Come here, then.
<footsteps>
<whispers>
<throat clearing>
Judge: I, um, well, there seems to have been a great misunderstanding. Frau Cahill is free to go.
<gasps>
[7:00]
Sophie: This is an outrage!
Grace: Excellent. It's been a pleasure, Your Honor. And perhaps I'll be seeing you at the Chancellor's dinner this evening?
<door close>
Grace: Tata
<helicopter sounds>
[edit] One False Note Book, Inside Back Cover
Official Government Document
TOP SECRET
Section 7
United States of America
(seal)
Memorandum
To: Agents with Top Secret Security Clearance
Re: The Cahill Family
ATTENTION! Our spies across the globe report new activity in the Cahill family. Rumors are coming thick and fast. But the best intelligence we have suggests that Grace Cahill (internal codename: Wildcat) has launched a hunt for some sort of "Clues" hidden around the world. Cahills who find "Clues" are eligible for the chance to win $100,000 in prizes.
OUR MISSION: To try to infiltrate the notorious Cahill family and find the hidden "Clues" -- whatever they may be.
OUR METHOD: To impersonate actual Cahill family members.
HOW TO HUNT CLUES:
1. Go to www.the39clues.com
2. Click on "Create an Account" and choose a username and password.
3. Discover if you belong to a branch of the Cahill family.
4. Explore the Cahill world and track down "Clues."
Good luck. You're going to need it.
Make sure Klose doesn't see this.
